Training Up Children: Wisdom, Not Guarantees

Last Sunday, Pastor Austin tackled one of the most quoted—and misunderstood—verses about parenting in the entire Bible. As I listened to him unpack Proverbs 22:6, I found myself nodding along, remembering the countless conversations I've had with parents carrying crushing guilt over children who've wandered from the faith.

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."

It sounds like an ironclad promise, doesn't it? Raise your kids right, take them to church, teach them Bible verses, and you're guaranteed they'll stay on the straight and narrow. But if that's true, then what do we do with free will? What do we say to the faithful parents whose adult children have walked away from everything they were taught?

When Promises Become Prisons
I've sat across from too many heartbroken parents who treat this verse like a contract they failed to fulfill. They dissect every parenting decision, wondering where they went wrong. "If I had just taken them to church more..." "If I had been stricter..." "If I had been more loving..."

But here's what Austin helped us understand: this isn't a promise—it's wisdom. And there's a crucial difference.

Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, was giving us a proverb, not a guarantee. Think about other wise sayings: "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." That's generally good advice, but it doesn't mean you'll never need medical care. "The early bird catches the worm." True in principle, but not an absolute law of the universe.

Proverbs are general principles for successful living, not fail-proof formulas.

The Context Changes Everything
When we look at the Hebrew word "chanak" (train up), it means to dedicate, initiate, or inaugurate. It's talking about starting early and being intentional. The phrase "in the way he should go" literally translates to "according to his way"—not just God's way, but the child's unique way of learning and growing.

This puts a whole different spin on the verse. Instead of a one-size-fits-all approach to parenting, Solomon is saying: "Get to know your child. Understand how they learn. Recognize their unique gifts and personality. Then train them accordingly."

Some kids are visual learners. Others learn through stories. Some need hands-on experiences. Some thrive with structure; others need more flexibility. The parent who recognizes these differences and adapts their approach is following biblical wisdom.

Free Will Isn't a Bug—It's a Feature
If this verse guaranteed that proper training would prevent any child from ever straying, it would eliminate free will entirely. But free will is the whole point of creation. God didn't want robots programmed to love Him; He wanted beings who could choose to love Him.

Even Jesus told the story of the prodigal son—a young man who was raised right but chose to leave. That story isn't a failure of parenting; it's an illustration of the human condition. We all have the capacity to walk away from what we know is right.

And here's the thing: even those of us raised in the church have strayed at some point. Maybe not dramatically, but we've all had seasons of doubt, rebellion, or spiritual wandering. That doesn't mean our parents failed—it means we're human.

The Weight You Don't Have to Carry
Parents, if your child has walked away from the faith, I need you to hear this: it's not your fault. You can do everything right and still watch your child make choices that break your heart. That's not a failure of your parenting—that's the reality of raising human beings with free will.

Ezekiel 18:20 makes this crystal clear: "The child will not share the guilt of the parent, nor will the parent share the guilt of the child." Each person is responsible for their own choices.

I've watched parents destroy themselves with guilt over their children's decisions. They've carried weight that was never theirs to bear. Some have even walked away from their own faith because they couldn't reconcile their child's choices with God's "promises."

But when we understand that Proverbs 22:6 is wisdom rather than a guarantee, it frees us to parent with confidence while releasing us from the crushing weight of false responsibility.

Training Still Matters
Now, before anyone misunderstands, let me be clear: the fact that this isn't a guarantee doesn't mean training doesn't matter. It matters tremendously.

In our world today, other forces are training our children from the moment they can hold a device. Social media, entertainment, and peer pressure are all competing for their hearts and minds. We can't afford to be passive in our influence.

The training you provide creates a foundation. Even if your child wanders, they often return to that foundation in their darkest moments. The stories you told, the prayers you prayed, the values you modeled—these don't disappear just because your child is making poor choices right now.

A Word to Adult Children
But this truth cuts both ways. If parents aren't ultimately responsible for their adult children's choices, then adult children can't blame their parents indefinitely for their problems.

At some point, you have to own your life. You can't keep using your upbringing as an excuse for your current choices. Maybe you didn't get the training described in Proverbs 22:6. Maybe your childhood was difficult. That's not your fault.

But what you do with your life from this point forward—that is your responsibility.

The Hope in the Wandering
Here's what I love about the prodigal son story: it doesn't end with the departure. The son comes home. And when he does, his father is waiting with open arms.

Many children who wander eventually return to their foundation. Not all, but many. And even when they don't return to faith exactly as their parents hoped, the training often shows up in their character, their values, and how they treat others.

The investment you make in training your children is never wasted, even when it doesn't look like what you expected.

Practical Wisdom for Today's Parents
So how do we apply this properly understood wisdom?

Start early and be intentional. Don't wait until problems arise to begin spiritual training. Make it part of your daily rhythm.

Know your child. Pay attention to how they learn, what motivates them, and what gifts God has given them. Train them according to their unique design.

Focus on the heart, not just behavior. Rules without relationship often lead to rebellion. Your goal isn't perfect behavior; it's heart transformation.

Model what you teach. Children learn more from what they see than what they hear. Your authentic faith will have more impact than your perfect words.

Trust God with the outcome. Do your part faithfully, then trust that God loves your children even more than you do.

The Village Matters
Austin made a passionate plea for people to get involved in children's ministry, and I want to echo that. The church family plays a crucial role in training up children. When kids see multiple adults living out their faith, it reinforces what they're learning at home.

If you've been thinking about serving with children, now is the time. We need people with different gifts—teachers, encouragers, creative types, and yes, even "enforcers" to help maintain order. These children are our future, and they need you.

Freedom and Responsibility
Understanding Proverbs 22:6 correctly brings both freedom and responsibility. Freedom from the crushing guilt of believing you can control your child's eternal destiny. Responsibility to do your part faithfully while trusting God with the results.

Your job as a parent is to train, not to guarantee outcomes. Your job is to plant and water, trusting God to bring the growth. Your job is to love unconditionally while maintaining biblical standards.

And sometimes, your job is to let go and trust that the foundation you've laid will hold, even when you can't see it working.

The children who've been trained up may wander, but they rarely wander without remembering where home is. And that memory, planted by faithful parents and watered by a loving church community, often becomes the beacon that guides them back when they're ready.

That's not a guarantee—it's hope. And sometimes, hope is exactly what we need to keep training up the next generation, one child at a time.